dwindle

if it were easy, i probably wouldn't be doing it. this morning i found myself sitting in front of lacy curtains. a pair of windows that face the sun, so that i couldn't run from the light. curled up i couldn't believe how quickly the tears came. does it really hurt that much? it's not so much hurt as it is stifledness. i was feeling so suffocated. and then i realized that i had really been living selfishly. how my idea of being successful came from a desire to rush and get away from my previous situation. what happened to the girl who said she would rather be a bum on the street and do what she loves than have all the money in the world? i have driven by selfish rebellion. i feel that the best way for me to help me get through what i am going through is to help others, any way possible.
i am overwhelmed with thoughts that i am not following God as closely as i should be. almost like there is some contest of who is His favorite, and everyone is grabbing a spot. how idiotic of me! God is no respecter of persons. i used to hate it when people would say that line, but it's so true! He doesn't care who you are or what you've done, who loves us the way we are, for who we are. i was reading in my sullenness and realized that the only way for me to prevail through these hard times is to stick with My Father. i am honestly stripped of everything. and sometimes i get mad because i think i won't be a good representation to others of God's greatness. i wish i were worried about that when i was boozing it up and trash talking and 'throwing myself out there'. but the past is the past. and even though it is very hard for me to see, and though it is sometimes impossible to see, i will get through this. because i do not rely solely on my eyesight, or on my feelings, but on this knowing of God's truth. i have a few more steps before i am completely bare (like my pride, and fear of man, and anger, and envy), but i know He can work with whatever i give Him