stolen

the disheartening truth is....
if boys only knew how easy it is to get me. really all i need is a nice set of eyes, a great smile, good humor, some type of uniqueness, a great deal of confidence (real or facade-ish) and i am hooked. that was a longer list than i expected. i used to think it was all about looks, but recently it has been all about the way a man carries himself. that sick confidence, the rallying of the troops and the lifting of the composers wrist. nothing more.

sometimes i wonder if guys over-analyze how to approach gals (gals-ha!). i have always valued the ability to be simplistic. set your sights high enough so that you allow yourself to dream, but still stay grounded. like wearing wings with cement shoes. (maybe i should rid myself of the shoes.) whoever the man who stills my heart (and i do mean stills, not steals; my heart is running rampant) need do is simply be confident in himself. no amount of money or job training, family situation, matters. just an overall healthy observation of who is and the ability to put the virtue of love first in his life is enough for me.

take the guy who i am currently enamored with. i have seen him several times, spoken to him once under very brief and awkward circumstances. the things that most impress me about him are his drive and searching after God, his intelligence, and his confidence. i knew there was something special about him because i would read his bleeding words and thoughts and instead of detouring me, it made me want to seek God all the more. and the way he placed his words, the things he holds important and the ideas that he supports, made me realize that he is always learning. and that i would rather be with someone who does not settle with the mere existence of things. and then there is his confidence, confidence that freely allows him to express himself in music and prose and even style. i absolutely love it when a guy has his own since of style. there are other things about him. how the pit of my stomach feels when i see him. when i can't find the words to speak to him. my whole being starts shuttering when he is near me, and most times i am not even aware of his physicality until after i experience that feeling. which makes me think, there is something more to whatever we may have. i cannot wait for everyday to come and breathe and come again. mainly because i know that everyday will hold a longer breathe of knowing him.

what am i doing?

so i've had three and a half years of higher education and no degree. not even close to it. one day i will go back. just because i don't approve of quitting. and yes, to me, that is quitting. my dream for myself seems to be slipping. but a degree is not everything. i just never found my niche. and finding my niche doesn't end with schooling. it transcends to every area of my life. this slight "off-ness" that i seem to possess. the only place i feel complete is in His EYES...

off in social situations. in religion. in politics. in general thinking. in artistic expression. in humor. in music taste. in what seems important. i am glad to be different but also very lonely. i wish that i could figure out this brain of mine so that i could use it to the best of it's ability.

i do not want people to think that my creativity is simplistic just because my designs are. there is a lot of thought and meaning that go into those designs. i hope people see that, and i hope people wear them. i am so excited about what is about to happen, because i know that good things are about to happen.

the flare

i am so sick to my stomach. i cannot believe i still feel the same way about him that i always have. i thought that if i stayed away long enough, i would forget him. forget his face. forget my feelings for him. all the things that have built up between us. but they are still there.

today i saw him, but i couldn't look him in the eye, even though he was right in front of me. he scares me, i am scared, because i like him so much and i feel like i know him even though i don't know him at all. i have never felt this way before about anyone. so close and yet so far away....

there IS a cosmic force that keeps bringing me to him. if only i could let it guide me long enough to speak. this is all too silly. i am not one to be involved in anything too heavy. it is too heavy on my own heart. here i am circling over and over and he...i do not even know if he feels the same way.

sometimes i feel as if there are some type of tiny celestial particles inside us that guide us to who we should unrestrainfully embrace into our lives. i think that they scream inside of us when we come into close proximity of certain strangers so that ourselves are notified of them and target them, if anything just to know them as people. thus making them more than strangers. something inside of him makes everything inside of me burst into tiny flares.

wearing thin

random, crazy, mixed-up thoughts.....

i need to do something, and do something QUICK!
how can they expect me to find something, when they themselves are being picky?
GOD IS NOT MERELY AN IDEA!!!
itching fingers.
diet pills????
i never knew that i would miss him so much :(
why didn't i think of that?
running slow.
let them go!
where is all the good music? where did it run to?
when did anxiety become apart of everyday life? i thought i conquered it.
i hope i will never be one of the 'cool' kids.
i love you, and i don't even know you.
money, money, money, money.
merry freakin' christmas.

to new ventures...

so, i'm having a little dispute with a few loved ones. i am over doing things i don't want to do. notice i wrote 'want' and not 'need'. i simply cannot waste another day working for someone or something i don't believe in. so, i have decided to try my hand at a small business. it practically holds every aspect that i want to emit in my creative genius into one tiny venture, so i hope things work out. i'm pretty excited. i really cannot wait. regardless of what happens i will have a little bit more direction as to what i want to be doing.

in a side note:
me and ti were reminiscing about some of the cheesy music that came out in our adolescence. more importantly, boy bands! why couldn't i have been the generation who experienced the beatles or woodstock or the hip-hop movement. but, no, i got stuck with watered down vocals, numbered dance moves, and blonde highlights. but then i found myself singing some of the songs. so i went to an n*sync myspace page (because there are many) and listened to the songs and they're pretty jammin'! (jammin' adds to the cheese factor). but seriously, take one of those songs melody and lyrics, flower it with an acoustic guitar and a slower pace and a female voice and you got something. maybe i should also look into a female-folk-boy-band-cover...band.

a healthy reverance

10 glorious pounds in the span of about 3 weeks? yes, i have given into the weight-loss craze. i wish i could say i am not at all concerned by my outward appearance, but i am! not to the extreme though. i think it's a healthy reverence. i have to stay healthy.

recent contributing factors have been-a friend in the summer who had an eating disorder. i never realized how mental eating disorders are. you literally have to psyche your mind out of thinking that you're hungry, or that you are already thin. i guess i never realized the severity of it until i was near to it. there have been a few times for me. in middle school i would get so nervous that i just wouldn't eat at all during lunch. but then going off to college, i got the biggest i've ever been. i was also hanging around a lot of overweight girls. i remember how awful our eating habits were. i just loved eating food because i hated what was around me. the time i had drastic weight lost was when i went through a really hard time at that school. i had to stand up for something i believed in, and was pretty much shunned from the school's community. i remember the week it happened was right before thanksgiving. i was so hurt i didn't eat anything. i lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks! sounds scary, but i just remember all this emotional weight hanging on to me. maybe i cried it out? oh well it's over and done with and i am actually a better person because of it.

i'd say there are three things that drive my weight-loss obsession: third reason-my older sister has always been tinier than me. whenever i begin to start up a workout routine, she suddenly becomes health conscious. she does not want me to be smaller than her. she is one of my biggest competitors and one day i will beat her! in second place-well, there's unnecessary junk in my trunk. i just want to be fit enough to where nothing jingles up and down 10 inches in the air! and in first place-the real reason why all of this silly obsessiveness would be for...is...a boy, who is fit, and for a girl who feels that if she requires a certain something(s) in the opposite sex, than she herself should have those things in order as well. you know all that who can cast the first stone type stuff.

jumpstart

"all this time is ash and sand, running through my hands."-into the flood, as tall as lions

i am stuck. ran into a wall. i don't know where to go next. everyone is ready for me to move on, but i have no motivation. i DO feel like i am looking into a dark empty tunnel. i don't know where it leads to. i am the type of person that must be sure of where i am headed, or at least have some faint idea. but all i can see is either that deep black circle, or turn to the tiny granulates that make up the brick wall. i am stuck.
quit job, lost school. coffee is all i've ever known. i do have these dreams latched on to my soul. i will not let them go. but until that day comes, how do i occupy the time by doing something useful? not only for myself, but for others?
there is so much pressure. be something great for the family, for your race. i get caught up in the movement around me. like there's a marathon going on and i am standing still and people are brushing past me. friction with our shoulders. my body being jostled about here and there. i wish one of the runners would stop and grab both shoulders and kiss me. motivation maybe?
one thing i have learned is that no one can live your life for you, and you cannot live your life for others.
so while i am sitting here, with my butt numb, my life is simply being lived. but not to the fullest. not to my highest standard. and only because i will it to. i will the outcome and intensity of my day to day. so what's first on the agenda to bringing this dreary day to extraordinary? how about a good run around the,...uh-ah-hmm, treadmill....at the Y. =)

simple and sweet

today is my father's birthday. they didn't do anything for him at work. they are having a special jazz music/buffet type thing at the museum up the street. when i told him about it he was pretty excited. so i bought he and mommy some tickets. they got all spruced up and daddy left with a smile on his face. he's a great father, a great dad. i think on your birthday you should do the simplest thing that makes you happy, and then any added expenditures just kind of act like frosting on top. i think everyone should make a list of these things, just for reference.

simple things that make me happy:

• a good song




• a sweet smile




• crazy antics with ti




• bare feet, especially surrounded by green grass




• cool sheets and warm blankets




• a good black and white movie




• the warmth of the sun on the back of my neck




• dancing (to danceable music)




• italian or mexican food




• chocolate




• a smooth rich latte




• reading and the amazement that comes with God's Word




• the feeling my fingers get after playing a substantial amount of (crap) guitar




• painting til 3 in the morning




• walking around downtown late at night




• walking when it's nice outside




• doing the "say anything" type sketching




• sketching boys




• writing




• singing to God

my perfect day would be waking up in a room shrouded in sunlight, taking an amazingly long/warm shower. and then journeying for wonder outside. grabbing that perfect latte from some tiny, quaint coffee shop. finding a quiet comfortable place in a soft patch of grass and lots of trees and journaling or reading for hours. trekking to some museum. in the evening getting some good food somewhere. then rush to hear good music at a swanky venue. and then, in the cool night, driving and finding the best view of downtown. stare at the sky and stars and dream.

simple and sweet.

sketch with acrylic of 'the path'

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life.

-John Burroughs

Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things.

-Elise Boulding

busy fingers

everyday there is something new to look forward to.
today it was the snipping of bangs, the results of a sisters interview and a day off with everyone.

as if my thoughts weren't trying to figure out what every ones intentions were, this weekend my vision was blurred by all their healthy tactics.

i have realized that in the past as far as friendships go, i have settled. i blame myself. i was bored and lonely. i let down guards and allowed people to bring in whatever issues they had. just for the sake of having someone to hang out with. you know how it says the choices you make effect what happens to you tomorrow. i chose to allow them to treat me a certain way, and now i am more hurt and alone than before i ever met them. it's strange though, how i drew into my life the same person, over and over again.

the liar. the manipulator. the user. they would make me come along so that they would feel safe. they would tell me they were doing something and i would find them somewhere else. they would tell me they were alone, and i would discover them with the one person they said they shouldn't be with. i wish i were overreacting, but adultery is a big thing, cheating is a big thing. if you can't "love the one you're with" how can you stay loyal to your friends?

and what part did i play? the victim? unfortunately, i am not the type of person to willingly give others the blame. i take most of the responsibility. i know what type of person i am and what type of people i should be around. sound snobby? be a person of integrity. like Christ was. yes he dinned with the sinners, but he also didn't stand for their lifestyles. i know i am not perfect, but i thirst for things like honesty, truth, kindness and love. i want to be around people who thirst for the same things. these people i have befriended recently, they are not even honest with themselves. how can i expect for them to be honest with me?

you'd think that with this new found revelation, i would let go and start over. which i am currently in the process of doing. it's just that i look around at those friendships i've made, i am dropping them (with an open offer that they can confide in me whenever they feel the need), but then there is no one standing next to me. at first, i was afraid. just afraid of the appearance of me with no friends, but then i realized that i would better be off alone than stuck back in those relationships. that it would be better for me to fix this problem i have with settled friendships. work on a relationship that is substantial and really matters. and i then remembered that i am never really alone.

so now everyday away from them is a day closer to God. i'm reading this book that makes me feel like He is whispering in my ear. things are still a little shaky, but like any entanglement, it takes awhile to sort out.