annual ritual

i have been so, so, so selfish. this weekend i got really upset because i felt i wasn't garnering enough attention, or the attention i felt i deserved. i got mad and depressed and went and grabbed some cigarettes. why did i punish myself? three down and i'm already done with them. this happens every year, i get mad with the way things are going and i run to...of all things...cigarettes? and not a large sum either. just two or three and i'm done...for the whole year! i think it's because i realize how abundantly stupid i am for trying to punish myself. that life, when broken down, isn't really all that awful. that God's creation is sheer, yet lofty, and gloriously beautiful. and how honored i am to be here at all, and know Him. i want to be so close to Him. i want to just melt into His love. i am the only thing holding His blessings back. i am currently cultivating a hunger for His Word. in the morning, i want to read and read and read. His Word is life. i just need to steady these eyes of mine to see the pages. and steady these thoughts of mine to know His ways.