redirect

i know that something is wrong and i am trying to fix it. the problem is i haven't really put much effort into fixing it before. but as time passes by, i realize that i am missing out on so many things and ways that God wants to use me by just sitting back and letting life happen. this is such a strange place that i am in right now in my life. and the people who are seeping in are even stranger. my brain feels like it is going to combust because there is too much being fed into it by people who have no right to it in the first place. i am too affected by this world around me. and i all too often want to make great choices and decisions depending on how things appear to be moving around me. i need to really REFOCUS and remember to take guidance from Him first, and not chance what direction to head to next.

a reluctant daughter

dear father,

i ask you to make some sort of resounding laughter
to the face of the foolish daughter that stands before you
it can come in the form of rain
or it can even come in the form of anger
just make sure that whichever way it comes
it leaves me hurting and miserable and painful
so that i will remember
never to do those things again
i ask you
when will this all end
i know it must be soon
because i am running out of stubborn pride
i abuse the grace you've given me
i slowly loose it's grip
and try to push a little further than i should
i have a heavy bag of excuses
for all the wrongs that are happening right now
but secretly i blame myself
i believe i am right in doing so
no one else can take responsibility for the choices i've made
but i ask you father
how much more of this should i take
between myself and the world
i am beaten to a pulp
there is hardly anything left of me
i don't even know what i'm here for
so if you could just laugh or smile
or slap or whip
so that the sensation would remind me
of who you are
than maybe i could find some way
to see the sun again

birth day battle

there is a battle going on between who i am and who God wants me to be and who i think i should be. His way is best, but i am eased into hard-headedness. eased into the easy. to do things the easy way: sleep in, run around, laugh with the jokers and scoff with the snobs. the righteous life is not easy. was it easy for Christ to live life the way He did? we are to live Christ-like lives. we are born into flesh and our flesh tries to bring us down. it is easy to give in to sin. to live as the world lives. but His yoke is easy and His burden is light. if i could just get that into my head>>>>>>>>yes it is hard to live life justly, but the reward far outweighs the means. peace, love, eternity. why can i not choose these instead of what i've been choosing? i know what is true and right, but i get so frustrated when i look around me and see how things are going. i must not judge things by what i see, or what i feel, or even what i think i know, but by His holy revelation through His word and the spirit He has placed in me. easier typed than done. today is my birthday. feliz.

annual ritual

i have been so, so, so selfish. this weekend i got really upset because i felt i wasn't garnering enough attention, or the attention i felt i deserved. i got mad and depressed and went and grabbed some cigarettes. why did i punish myself? three down and i'm already done with them. this happens every year, i get mad with the way things are going and i run to...of all things...cigarettes? and not a large sum either. just two or three and i'm done...for the whole year! i think it's because i realize how abundantly stupid i am for trying to punish myself. that life, when broken down, isn't really all that awful. that God's creation is sheer, yet lofty, and gloriously beautiful. and how honored i am to be here at all, and know Him. i want to be so close to Him. i want to just melt into His love. i am the only thing holding His blessings back. i am currently cultivating a hunger for His Word. in the morning, i want to read and read and read. His Word is life. i just need to steady these eyes of mine to see the pages. and steady these thoughts of mine to know His ways.

rotten teeth

i think it's funny that just when you decide you don't need something and try to cut it out of your life, it becomes openly available to you. for instance, one week i decided to give up sugar completely, which also meant my beloved chocolate. but come monday my mother buys tons and tons of chocolate and tells me i can have it for the rest of the week! ugh. needless to say i had a week long feast of cocoa and rotting teeth. and just recently i have decided to get back on track and really focus on my lasting relationship with my Father God. this means no more longing for boys who are of "no consequence". not even allowing myself to be detoured by a nice face or deep eyes. and wouldn't you know it? a pierced, tattoo laden semi-sweet boy hits on me. just a week earlier i was emotionally distraught over finding a "diversion" to surrender to. and although he is pretty (like WAY pretty. like trouble pretty. like please don't ask me again or i might say yes pretty), this could not have come at a worse time. things i didn't even expect or ask for started popping up. like a girl who hit on me, too. it was very awkward. i know my sisters say i dress like a lesbian sometimes, but i am definitely not one. it's like the sly deviant is trying any thing possible to slip me up. but there are just too many benefits here i'm standing.

veer away.

we are not who we say we are.

and the girl ran around the stage and danced and fell off into the crowd.

i must say that there are better days, and sadder days and lonelier days

and there are translucent days

like the one i will live through when i finally realize how silly we all have been

or

how silly i am

for dwelling on things so

silly.

i am sorry for not knowing how to act properly in accordance with the statutes of our day.

i am not sure if i will ever learn

or if i want to.

i am not sure about a lot of things.

a warning to all: veer away from confusion.

strugglith/tee-tottereth

what's that thing that little kids get on and go up and down on? a teeter-totter? a see-saw? my stupid girly heart is on that now. i fall down into despair over not being loved by a boy, and then remember what i am here for.
a school friend of mine recently wrote a book about relationships with men that led to her diminishing self value. and how it only took God to pull her back together. it's the story of so many...
how many of the girls in my high school and in my family already were played and have kids but no counterpart to help them out in the matter? do we all want male confirmation that much? but they are beautiful children.
there is a reason why i have been single my whole life. not that i'm better than anyone because of it. i just know that i was called to do so much, and i haven't allowed myself to be detoured in that area yet. it's not an obstacle for everyone, just for me.
i already get distracted by boys i don't even know! if a guy i was really into actually was interested in me, i'm not sure how focused i would be on these great dreams of mine. would i trade them in for his?
i'm not willing to trade who i am for anyone. oh, but silly teeter-tottering! i must put an end to this. i need to practice more discipline when it comes to letting my heart wonder over ideas of love that aren't meant for me yet.

i am tired. my eyelids are about to collapse. ten and a half hour work day today. then long hard run. money and muscles. soon shower and soft music and candles and the word and cool sheets and dreams.

running red lights

let's be honest. my mother says that if a boy really likes you, that he will make the first move. i take this as an excuse to hide behind my insecurities and not approach him. but if we are both standing still, how will we reach each other? and does he even want to make contact with me? i think that i may need a few changes in scenary. that way i won't have to see him and it won't hurt as much.
he probably thinks i am out to stalk and attack him, but never when i see him is it on purpose. although, i am stuck on him. it's like my heart can't move past him.
i am crazy because i think there is something more---->something more than running into him more than a handful of times, and thinking he wrote to me, and speaking about a car that meant nothing to either one of us, and this feeling i get that tells me he is right around the corner and then i look up and there he is------>but my logic tells me it is just an infantile crush. much like the ones i've had here and there. and my emotional side tells me that there is something different about this one. i think my main problem is i've been alone for too long.
actually, i'm not sure if it is a real problem, or if i'm just making it into one. there have been great benefits to being alone. but every time i see him, i forget that. i think i could release all of this, if i could just speak to him.
i am=cowardly insecure building pedestals for handsome[beautiful, smart, musical, theological, dream-like] boys so that i can remain trapped in a world of disillusionment and overly dramatic despair, immaturity, and stagnancy. i put the squeeze on my own heart by allowing it to get caught up in imaginary fantasies brought about by desperate female longings. and tricks are for kids.

dwindle

if it were easy, i probably wouldn't be doing it. this morning i found myself sitting in front of lacy curtains. a pair of windows that face the sun, so that i couldn't run from the light. curled up i couldn't believe how quickly the tears came. does it really hurt that much? it's not so much hurt as it is stifledness. i was feeling so suffocated. and then i realized that i had really been living selfishly. how my idea of being successful came from a desire to rush and get away from my previous situation. what happened to the girl who said she would rather be a bum on the street and do what she loves than have all the money in the world? i have driven by selfish rebellion. i feel that the best way for me to help me get through what i am going through is to help others, any way possible.
i am overwhelmed with thoughts that i am not following God as closely as i should be. almost like there is some contest of who is His favorite, and everyone is grabbing a spot. how idiotic of me! God is no respecter of persons. i used to hate it when people would say that line, but it's so true! He doesn't care who you are or what you've done, who loves us the way we are, for who we are. i was reading in my sullenness and realized that the only way for me to prevail through these hard times is to stick with My Father. i am honestly stripped of everything. and sometimes i get mad because i think i won't be a good representation to others of God's greatness. i wish i were worried about that when i was boozing it up and trash talking and 'throwing myself out there'. but the past is the past. and even though it is very hard for me to see, and though it is sometimes impossible to see, i will get through this. because i do not rely solely on my eyesight, or on my feelings, but on this knowing of God's truth. i have a few more steps before i am completely bare (like my pride, and fear of man, and anger, and envy), but i know He can work with whatever i give Him

they run ragged

why must everyone outside of this circle measure life in accomplishments? i am finding it hard to just allow myself to seep into God's love and care for me. if i could just see myself the way He sees me. i realize that i have also spent more time focusing on outside beauty than inside. if my spirit were to replace my epidermis, would it be shiny and new, or a festering blob of darkness? shouldn't we all be trying to improve our inner selves? if only to make our small circles better-and then maybe we move into larger and larger circles until we shape the whole earth. and what of those who don't believe in any real depth of the human being other than flesh and soul, and no supreme being? why make life miserable by living any kind of way? if your way, than why not the mere act of living in love? do they fear that openness equates lack of a defensive shield to the dangers of hurt and rejection? an angered heart can still draw those same dangers. but perfect love casts out all fear. and when a heart comes through, so does resilience and a stronger, deeper love. our poor hearts and our poor souls and our poor spirits...if they are not kept they run ragged through life, tearing apart at every twist and turn til there is nothing left. which is why i entrust mine to the One who created me. i still stand amazed at how, when i am faced with an insurmountable obstacle, i have peace because He is with me.

the girl with the grey hat and the white chucks

i think that you are amazing, and beautiful and smart. i think you are witty, and funny and clever. you are too hard on yourself. the world is open, and you are walking around with your heart closed. sure you don't have to let everything in, but a bit of love and hope and even heartache makes you a better person. you are still very young, if not in years, then in spirit. open your arms and embrace what lies ahead, the ups and downs. the insecurities, the uncertainties, and the joys. you are a marvelous creature, created with all the cosmic wonder of the universe thriving in your bones. how dare you stifle it! no more sitting and waiting. run.

don't give up on her

there is such a thing as being too nice. i have most often been the nice girl. i like the fulfillment i sense when helping someone out. i've tried not caring about anyone else in the world, and it seems to hinder me more than help me. that whole verse, in order to make friends you must first make yourself friendly. i know she needs me right now. my sister can't understand why, after time and time again of her mistreating me, i would still try and help her out. i am trying to find the best way to show her God's love. God never gives up on us! He never says, "Well, you've made SO MANY mistakes against me. You've messed up a million times. I don't want you anymore." He never cuts us off from His love. so why should i cut her off? she doesn't know what a good friend is, and i will continue to do my best to try and show her.

ti also argues that you teach people how to treat you, which is also SO true. if people push you around, and you don't stand up for yourself, they'll keep pushing. knock you down. you have to have respect for yourself enough to stop people from mistreating you. i think i need to find a healthy balance between allowing loving someone and showing them i care, with out exposing too much that they give me a low blow.

stolen

the disheartening truth is....
if boys only knew how easy it is to get me. really all i need is a nice set of eyes, a great smile, good humor, some type of uniqueness, a great deal of confidence (real or facade-ish) and i am hooked. that was a longer list than i expected. i used to think it was all about looks, but recently it has been all about the way a man carries himself. that sick confidence, the rallying of the troops and the lifting of the composers wrist. nothing more.

sometimes i wonder if guys over-analyze how to approach gals (gals-ha!). i have always valued the ability to be simplistic. set your sights high enough so that you allow yourself to dream, but still stay grounded. like wearing wings with cement shoes. (maybe i should rid myself of the shoes.) whoever the man who stills my heart (and i do mean stills, not steals; my heart is running rampant) need do is simply be confident in himself. no amount of money or job training, family situation, matters. just an overall healthy observation of who is and the ability to put the virtue of love first in his life is enough for me.

take the guy who i am currently enamored with. i have seen him several times, spoken to him once under very brief and awkward circumstances. the things that most impress me about him are his drive and searching after God, his intelligence, and his confidence. i knew there was something special about him because i would read his bleeding words and thoughts and instead of detouring me, it made me want to seek God all the more. and the way he placed his words, the things he holds important and the ideas that he supports, made me realize that he is always learning. and that i would rather be with someone who does not settle with the mere existence of things. and then there is his confidence, confidence that freely allows him to express himself in music and prose and even style. i absolutely love it when a guy has his own since of style. there are other things about him. how the pit of my stomach feels when i see him. when i can't find the words to speak to him. my whole being starts shuttering when he is near me, and most times i am not even aware of his physicality until after i experience that feeling. which makes me think, there is something more to whatever we may have. i cannot wait for everyday to come and breathe and come again. mainly because i know that everyday will hold a longer breathe of knowing him.

what am i doing?

so i've had three and a half years of higher education and no degree. not even close to it. one day i will go back. just because i don't approve of quitting. and yes, to me, that is quitting. my dream for myself seems to be slipping. but a degree is not everything. i just never found my niche. and finding my niche doesn't end with schooling. it transcends to every area of my life. this slight "off-ness" that i seem to possess. the only place i feel complete is in His EYES...

off in social situations. in religion. in politics. in general thinking. in artistic expression. in humor. in music taste. in what seems important. i am glad to be different but also very lonely. i wish that i could figure out this brain of mine so that i could use it to the best of it's ability.

i do not want people to think that my creativity is simplistic just because my designs are. there is a lot of thought and meaning that go into those designs. i hope people see that, and i hope people wear them. i am so excited about what is about to happen, because i know that good things are about to happen.

the flare

i am so sick to my stomach. i cannot believe i still feel the same way about him that i always have. i thought that if i stayed away long enough, i would forget him. forget his face. forget my feelings for him. all the things that have built up between us. but they are still there.

today i saw him, but i couldn't look him in the eye, even though he was right in front of me. he scares me, i am scared, because i like him so much and i feel like i know him even though i don't know him at all. i have never felt this way before about anyone. so close and yet so far away....

there IS a cosmic force that keeps bringing me to him. if only i could let it guide me long enough to speak. this is all too silly. i am not one to be involved in anything too heavy. it is too heavy on my own heart. here i am circling over and over and he...i do not even know if he feels the same way.

sometimes i feel as if there are some type of tiny celestial particles inside us that guide us to who we should unrestrainfully embrace into our lives. i think that they scream inside of us when we come into close proximity of certain strangers so that ourselves are notified of them and target them, if anything just to know them as people. thus making them more than strangers. something inside of him makes everything inside of me burst into tiny flares.

wearing thin

random, crazy, mixed-up thoughts.....

i need to do something, and do something QUICK!
how can they expect me to find something, when they themselves are being picky?
GOD IS NOT MERELY AN IDEA!!!
itching fingers.
diet pills????
i never knew that i would miss him so much :(
why didn't i think of that?
running slow.
let them go!
where is all the good music? where did it run to?
when did anxiety become apart of everyday life? i thought i conquered it.
i hope i will never be one of the 'cool' kids.
i love you, and i don't even know you.
money, money, money, money.
merry freakin' christmas.

to new ventures...

so, i'm having a little dispute with a few loved ones. i am over doing things i don't want to do. notice i wrote 'want' and not 'need'. i simply cannot waste another day working for someone or something i don't believe in. so, i have decided to try my hand at a small business. it practically holds every aspect that i want to emit in my creative genius into one tiny venture, so i hope things work out. i'm pretty excited. i really cannot wait. regardless of what happens i will have a little bit more direction as to what i want to be doing.

in a side note:
me and ti were reminiscing about some of the cheesy music that came out in our adolescence. more importantly, boy bands! why couldn't i have been the generation who experienced the beatles or woodstock or the hip-hop movement. but, no, i got stuck with watered down vocals, numbered dance moves, and blonde highlights. but then i found myself singing some of the songs. so i went to an n*sync myspace page (because there are many) and listened to the songs and they're pretty jammin'! (jammin' adds to the cheese factor). but seriously, take one of those songs melody and lyrics, flower it with an acoustic guitar and a slower pace and a female voice and you got something. maybe i should also look into a female-folk-boy-band-cover...band.

a healthy reverance

10 glorious pounds in the span of about 3 weeks? yes, i have given into the weight-loss craze. i wish i could say i am not at all concerned by my outward appearance, but i am! not to the extreme though. i think it's a healthy reverence. i have to stay healthy.

recent contributing factors have been-a friend in the summer who had an eating disorder. i never realized how mental eating disorders are. you literally have to psyche your mind out of thinking that you're hungry, or that you are already thin. i guess i never realized the severity of it until i was near to it. there have been a few times for me. in middle school i would get so nervous that i just wouldn't eat at all during lunch. but then going off to college, i got the biggest i've ever been. i was also hanging around a lot of overweight girls. i remember how awful our eating habits were. i just loved eating food because i hated what was around me. the time i had drastic weight lost was when i went through a really hard time at that school. i had to stand up for something i believed in, and was pretty much shunned from the school's community. i remember the week it happened was right before thanksgiving. i was so hurt i didn't eat anything. i lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks! sounds scary, but i just remember all this emotional weight hanging on to me. maybe i cried it out? oh well it's over and done with and i am actually a better person because of it.

i'd say there are three things that drive my weight-loss obsession: third reason-my older sister has always been tinier than me. whenever i begin to start up a workout routine, she suddenly becomes health conscious. she does not want me to be smaller than her. she is one of my biggest competitors and one day i will beat her! in second place-well, there's unnecessary junk in my trunk. i just want to be fit enough to where nothing jingles up and down 10 inches in the air! and in first place-the real reason why all of this silly obsessiveness would be for...is...a boy, who is fit, and for a girl who feels that if she requires a certain something(s) in the opposite sex, than she herself should have those things in order as well. you know all that who can cast the first stone type stuff.

jumpstart

"all this time is ash and sand, running through my hands."-into the flood, as tall as lions

i am stuck. ran into a wall. i don't know where to go next. everyone is ready for me to move on, but i have no motivation. i DO feel like i am looking into a dark empty tunnel. i don't know where it leads to. i am the type of person that must be sure of where i am headed, or at least have some faint idea. but all i can see is either that deep black circle, or turn to the tiny granulates that make up the brick wall. i am stuck.
quit job, lost school. coffee is all i've ever known. i do have these dreams latched on to my soul. i will not let them go. but until that day comes, how do i occupy the time by doing something useful? not only for myself, but for others?
there is so much pressure. be something great for the family, for your race. i get caught up in the movement around me. like there's a marathon going on and i am standing still and people are brushing past me. friction with our shoulders. my body being jostled about here and there. i wish one of the runners would stop and grab both shoulders and kiss me. motivation maybe?
one thing i have learned is that no one can live your life for you, and you cannot live your life for others.
so while i am sitting here, with my butt numb, my life is simply being lived. but not to the fullest. not to my highest standard. and only because i will it to. i will the outcome and intensity of my day to day. so what's first on the agenda to bringing this dreary day to extraordinary? how about a good run around the,...uh-ah-hmm, treadmill....at the Y. =)

simple and sweet

today is my father's birthday. they didn't do anything for him at work. they are having a special jazz music/buffet type thing at the museum up the street. when i told him about it he was pretty excited. so i bought he and mommy some tickets. they got all spruced up and daddy left with a smile on his face. he's a great father, a great dad. i think on your birthday you should do the simplest thing that makes you happy, and then any added expenditures just kind of act like frosting on top. i think everyone should make a list of these things, just for reference.

simple things that make me happy:

• a good song




• a sweet smile




• crazy antics with ti




• bare feet, especially surrounded by green grass




• cool sheets and warm blankets




• a good black and white movie




• the warmth of the sun on the back of my neck




• dancing (to danceable music)




• italian or mexican food




• chocolate




• a smooth rich latte




• reading and the amazement that comes with God's Word




• the feeling my fingers get after playing a substantial amount of (crap) guitar




• painting til 3 in the morning




• walking around downtown late at night




• walking when it's nice outside




• doing the "say anything" type sketching




• sketching boys




• writing




• singing to God

my perfect day would be waking up in a room shrouded in sunlight, taking an amazingly long/warm shower. and then journeying for wonder outside. grabbing that perfect latte from some tiny, quaint coffee shop. finding a quiet comfortable place in a soft patch of grass and lots of trees and journaling or reading for hours. trekking to some museum. in the evening getting some good food somewhere. then rush to hear good music at a swanky venue. and then, in the cool night, driving and finding the best view of downtown. stare at the sky and stars and dream.

simple and sweet.

sketch with acrylic of 'the path'

To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life.

-John Burroughs

Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things.

-Elise Boulding

busy fingers

everyday there is something new to look forward to.
today it was the snipping of bangs, the results of a sisters interview and a day off with everyone.

as if my thoughts weren't trying to figure out what every ones intentions were, this weekend my vision was blurred by all their healthy tactics.

i have realized that in the past as far as friendships go, i have settled. i blame myself. i was bored and lonely. i let down guards and allowed people to bring in whatever issues they had. just for the sake of having someone to hang out with. you know how it says the choices you make effect what happens to you tomorrow. i chose to allow them to treat me a certain way, and now i am more hurt and alone than before i ever met them. it's strange though, how i drew into my life the same person, over and over again.

the liar. the manipulator. the user. they would make me come along so that they would feel safe. they would tell me they were doing something and i would find them somewhere else. they would tell me they were alone, and i would discover them with the one person they said they shouldn't be with. i wish i were overreacting, but adultery is a big thing, cheating is a big thing. if you can't "love the one you're with" how can you stay loyal to your friends?

and what part did i play? the victim? unfortunately, i am not the type of person to willingly give others the blame. i take most of the responsibility. i know what type of person i am and what type of people i should be around. sound snobby? be a person of integrity. like Christ was. yes he dinned with the sinners, but he also didn't stand for their lifestyles. i know i am not perfect, but i thirst for things like honesty, truth, kindness and love. i want to be around people who thirst for the same things. these people i have befriended recently, they are not even honest with themselves. how can i expect for them to be honest with me?

you'd think that with this new found revelation, i would let go and start over. which i am currently in the process of doing. it's just that i look around at those friendships i've made, i am dropping them (with an open offer that they can confide in me whenever they feel the need), but then there is no one standing next to me. at first, i was afraid. just afraid of the appearance of me with no friends, but then i realized that i would better be off alone than stuck back in those relationships. that it would be better for me to fix this problem i have with settled friendships. work on a relationship that is substantial and really matters. and i then remembered that i am never really alone.

so now everyday away from them is a day closer to God. i'm reading this book that makes me feel like He is whispering in my ear. things are still a little shaky, but like any entanglement, it takes awhile to sort out.