busy fingers

everyday there is something new to look forward to.
today it was the snipping of bangs, the results of a sisters interview and a day off with everyone.

as if my thoughts weren't trying to figure out what every ones intentions were, this weekend my vision was blurred by all their healthy tactics.

i have realized that in the past as far as friendships go, i have settled. i blame myself. i was bored and lonely. i let down guards and allowed people to bring in whatever issues they had. just for the sake of having someone to hang out with. you know how it says the choices you make effect what happens to you tomorrow. i chose to allow them to treat me a certain way, and now i am more hurt and alone than before i ever met them. it's strange though, how i drew into my life the same person, over and over again.

the liar. the manipulator. the user. they would make me come along so that they would feel safe. they would tell me they were doing something and i would find them somewhere else. they would tell me they were alone, and i would discover them with the one person they said they shouldn't be with. i wish i were overreacting, but adultery is a big thing, cheating is a big thing. if you can't "love the one you're with" how can you stay loyal to your friends?

and what part did i play? the victim? unfortunately, i am not the type of person to willingly give others the blame. i take most of the responsibility. i know what type of person i am and what type of people i should be around. sound snobby? be a person of integrity. like Christ was. yes he dinned with the sinners, but he also didn't stand for their lifestyles. i know i am not perfect, but i thirst for things like honesty, truth, kindness and love. i want to be around people who thirst for the same things. these people i have befriended recently, they are not even honest with themselves. how can i expect for them to be honest with me?

you'd think that with this new found revelation, i would let go and start over. which i am currently in the process of doing. it's just that i look around at those friendships i've made, i am dropping them (with an open offer that they can confide in me whenever they feel the need), but then there is no one standing next to me. at first, i was afraid. just afraid of the appearance of me with no friends, but then i realized that i would better be off alone than stuck back in those relationships. that it would be better for me to fix this problem i have with settled friendships. work on a relationship that is substantial and really matters. and i then remembered that i am never really alone.

so now everyday away from them is a day closer to God. i'm reading this book that makes me feel like He is whispering in my ear. things are still a little shaky, but like any entanglement, it takes awhile to sort out.