jumpstart

"all this time is ash and sand, running through my hands."-into the flood, as tall as lions

i am stuck. ran into a wall. i don't know where to go next. everyone is ready for me to move on, but i have no motivation. i DO feel like i am looking into a dark empty tunnel. i don't know where it leads to. i am the type of person that must be sure of where i am headed, or at least have some faint idea. but all i can see is either that deep black circle, or turn to the tiny granulates that make up the brick wall. i am stuck.
quit job, lost school. coffee is all i've ever known. i do have these dreams latched on to my soul. i will not let them go. but until that day comes, how do i occupy the time by doing something useful? not only for myself, but for others?
there is so much pressure. be something great for the family, for your race. i get caught up in the movement around me. like there's a marathon going on and i am standing still and people are brushing past me. friction with our shoulders. my body being jostled about here and there. i wish one of the runners would stop and grab both shoulders and kiss me. motivation maybe?
one thing i have learned is that no one can live your life for you, and you cannot live your life for others.
so while i am sitting here, with my butt numb, my life is simply being lived. but not to the fullest. not to my highest standard. and only because i will it to. i will the outcome and intensity of my day to day. so what's first on the agenda to bringing this dreary day to extraordinary? how about a good run around the,...uh-ah-hmm, treadmill....at the Y. =)