rotten teeth

i think it's funny that just when you decide you don't need something and try to cut it out of your life, it becomes openly available to you. for instance, one week i decided to give up sugar completely, which also meant my beloved chocolate. but come monday my mother buys tons and tons of chocolate and tells me i can have it for the rest of the week! ugh. needless to say i had a week long feast of cocoa and rotting teeth. and just recently i have decided to get back on track and really focus on my lasting relationship with my Father God. this means no more longing for boys who are of "no consequence". not even allowing myself to be detoured by a nice face or deep eyes. and wouldn't you know it? a pierced, tattoo laden semi-sweet boy hits on me. just a week earlier i was emotionally distraught over finding a "diversion" to surrender to. and although he is pretty (like WAY pretty. like trouble pretty. like please don't ask me again or i might say yes pretty), this could not have come at a worse time. things i didn't even expect or ask for started popping up. like a girl who hit on me, too. it was very awkward. i know my sisters say i dress like a lesbian sometimes, but i am definitely not one. it's like the sly deviant is trying any thing possible to slip me up. but there are just too many benefits here i'm standing.

veer away.

we are not who we say we are.

and the girl ran around the stage and danced and fell off into the crowd.

i must say that there are better days, and sadder days and lonelier days

and there are translucent days

like the one i will live through when i finally realize how silly we all have been

or

how silly i am

for dwelling on things so

silly.

i am sorry for not knowing how to act properly in accordance with the statutes of our day.

i am not sure if i will ever learn

or if i want to.

i am not sure about a lot of things.

a warning to all: veer away from confusion.

strugglith/tee-tottereth

what's that thing that little kids get on and go up and down on? a teeter-totter? a see-saw? my stupid girly heart is on that now. i fall down into despair over not being loved by a boy, and then remember what i am here for.
a school friend of mine recently wrote a book about relationships with men that led to her diminishing self value. and how it only took God to pull her back together. it's the story of so many...
how many of the girls in my high school and in my family already were played and have kids but no counterpart to help them out in the matter? do we all want male confirmation that much? but they are beautiful children.
there is a reason why i have been single my whole life. not that i'm better than anyone because of it. i just know that i was called to do so much, and i haven't allowed myself to be detoured in that area yet. it's not an obstacle for everyone, just for me.
i already get distracted by boys i don't even know! if a guy i was really into actually was interested in me, i'm not sure how focused i would be on these great dreams of mine. would i trade them in for his?
i'm not willing to trade who i am for anyone. oh, but silly teeter-tottering! i must put an end to this. i need to practice more discipline when it comes to letting my heart wonder over ideas of love that aren't meant for me yet.

i am tired. my eyelids are about to collapse. ten and a half hour work day today. then long hard run. money and muscles. soon shower and soft music and candles and the word and cool sheets and dreams.

running red lights

let's be honest. my mother says that if a boy really likes you, that he will make the first move. i take this as an excuse to hide behind my insecurities and not approach him. but if we are both standing still, how will we reach each other? and does he even want to make contact with me? i think that i may need a few changes in scenary. that way i won't have to see him and it won't hurt as much.
he probably thinks i am out to stalk and attack him, but never when i see him is it on purpose. although, i am stuck on him. it's like my heart can't move past him.
i am crazy because i think there is something more---->something more than running into him more than a handful of times, and thinking he wrote to me, and speaking about a car that meant nothing to either one of us, and this feeling i get that tells me he is right around the corner and then i look up and there he is------>but my logic tells me it is just an infantile crush. much like the ones i've had here and there. and my emotional side tells me that there is something different about this one. i think my main problem is i've been alone for too long.
actually, i'm not sure if it is a real problem, or if i'm just making it into one. there have been great benefits to being alone. but every time i see him, i forget that. i think i could release all of this, if i could just speak to him.
i am=cowardly insecure building pedestals for handsome[beautiful, smart, musical, theological, dream-like] boys so that i can remain trapped in a world of disillusionment and overly dramatic despair, immaturity, and stagnancy. i put the squeeze on my own heart by allowing it to get caught up in imaginary fantasies brought about by desperate female longings. and tricks are for kids.