strugglith/tee-tottereth

what's that thing that little kids get on and go up and down on? a teeter-totter? a see-saw? my stupid girly heart is on that now. i fall down into despair over not being loved by a boy, and then remember what i am here for.
a school friend of mine recently wrote a book about relationships with men that led to her diminishing self value. and how it only took God to pull her back together. it's the story of so many...
how many of the girls in my high school and in my family already were played and have kids but no counterpart to help them out in the matter? do we all want male confirmation that much? but they are beautiful children.
there is a reason why i have been single my whole life. not that i'm better than anyone because of it. i just know that i was called to do so much, and i haven't allowed myself to be detoured in that area yet. it's not an obstacle for everyone, just for me.
i already get distracted by boys i don't even know! if a guy i was really into actually was interested in me, i'm not sure how focused i would be on these great dreams of mine. would i trade them in for his?
i'm not willing to trade who i am for anyone. oh, but silly teeter-tottering! i must put an end to this. i need to practice more discipline when it comes to letting my heart wonder over ideas of love that aren't meant for me yet.

i am tired. my eyelids are about to collapse. ten and a half hour work day today. then long hard run. money and muscles. soon shower and soft music and candles and the word and cool sheets and dreams.